For a hopeful couple, some of the hardest words to hear are “You can’t have a baby.”
In a moment, the future they’d hoped for of raising a family of their own flesh and blood dissolves. The possibility that comes along with not knowing is ripped from their hands.
This news becomes a loss that must be grieved. And, as with any grieving process, this will look different for each individual and each couple.
I had a chance to ask Renee Umeda, one of the leaders for As We Wait, Mission Hills Church’s infertility support group, about infertility and how we as a whole can come together and support families journeying through infertility.
The first thing we wanted to stress is that infertility does not change a person’s identity in Christ. If you are going through this, you are no less of a woman/wife/man/husband because of infertility. You are not broken. You have not let anyone down. You are a child of God and he is in this journey with you. However, this truth can be difficult to hold on to in the midst of the struggle. I urge you to not believe the lies that say you are anything other than a beautifully and wonderfully made child of God.
If you are going through infertility, it is easy to feel shame and feel isolated. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help or to talk about your pain to safe people. You are not alone.
As you go through this, try to remember your spouse also lost the possibility and is also grieving. Renee said, “One of the best ways to support your spouse is regular communication. Each spouse deals with this struggle differently so it is important to understand where your spouse is coming from in their own process. Try to let go of your expectations of them and give them lots of grace. Allow them time to ‘not be okay’ and not have it all together. [Much] of infertility is unfortunately grieved silently but make sure you grieve alongside your spouse in the best way you can.” She also suggested that it may help to find another couple going through a similar struggle, as it can be helpful to “find someone else that ‘gets it.’ You feel alone in the journey, but there are many people who understand and would love to support you and your spouse.”
Acknowledging the difficulty can go a long way in serving couples. Infertility is a struggle and a lot of healing can happen by creating a space where it’s okay to be honest about how hard it is. “Some of the hardest times at church for a couple going through infertility are the Mother’s Day service and baby dedications,” Renee said. It would also be helpful to learn which phrases make the journey more difficult, phrases such as “you are still young,” “just adopt,” “you just need to relax,” or “it will happen once you stop trying.” These phrases can trigger pain for couples. Rather than offering a fix for their struggle, it’s often more helpful to be a listening ear and say something like, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I’m here for you and praying.”
As Renee put it, “Infertility is a process and each couple has to come to terms with how and when God is choosing to build their family.” Every journey will be unique. If you haven’t gone through infertility yourself, your attempts to help may not be what the person you’re trying to help needs. The first step of love is listening.
If you’re struggling through infertility, we want to listen to you. Please reach out to us to learn how you can get connected to our support group, As We Wait, led by Renee Umeda and Kelsey Brooks.
National Infertility Awareness Week happens every April and Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month is October. These are national opportunities to help spread awareness and love to those going through infertility, but the work of spreading awareness and love is not only limited to those times.
“[We] were made because [we] matter, and [we] were never intended to live a life that matters less than anyone else,” | Author + Writer Tricia Lott Williford.
The influences of those around us play a bigger role than we like to admit on what we think we are worth. From the moment we are born, society tells us how to look and act. It tells us how to think about ourselves based on our success in the American Dream. It tells us that we are successful once we are married and have children. It tells us that we are capable or qualified once we are a certain age or have enough experience. Or that we are enough based on what kind of house or car we have.
But this is just not true. This is not SUCCESS.
Like a lot of women, I struggle with accepting who I am and accepting God’s grace and love for me. As I navigate through what “they” say my life should look like, I have to weed through a lot of lies. I wrestle with what God says I deserve. It is hard for me to believe that I am talented enough to live out my dreams. It is hard to believe that despite my circumstances and choices, God would redeem, love, and accept me.
While reading Tricia Lott Williford’s book, “You Can Do This”, I was reminded that my identity is more than the mold of what society tries to make me and the lies that play on repeat in my mind. She explains finding our new identity like this;
When life gets difficult, we naturally fall back on our old habits, and our old beliefs, but when we allow ourselves to be who we are through God’s grace, the old doesn’t seem to fit anymore and it becomes unnatural. In this place, it allows God the space to weave in a new identity into us. We need to have grace on ourselves as we begin to redefine our identity and believe in who God is shaping us to become. Sometimes definitions we used to identify with just don’t define us anymore.
When we believe that God made us with a purpose and we embrace all that He made us to be, we can be confident, because our confidence comes from Him. Tricia Lott Williford says, “The only difference between you and a confident person is one thing: confidence… how you feel about yourself; what you tell yourself; and whether you believe God is in you, beside you, and equipping you for this… it’s a tremendous shift of security to realize that any confidence I have in myself is ultimately confidence in the one who made me.”
We were created by our One True King. We are His children made in His image. He gave us passions and dreams for a reason. We can confidently take hold of His goodness because of whose we are. We are brilliant, we are wise, we are beautiful and we have a purpose. We are mothers, we are women, we are hard workers, we are teachers and we are strong.
As I read through Tricia’s book and have prayed about my fears and insecurities, God has revealed His grace to me. He has loved me deeply and spoken to my heart. Because of that, I can be confident in who I am. I can be confident in my story and how God will use it to bring Him glory. I know that as I continue to accept who I am, I am accepting something that is good, true, and real.
This Mother’s Day, I invite you start this journey to more confidence. I’ll see you at service.
“There is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” | Christopher Robin – Pooh’s Grand Adventure