Has your marriage slowly transformed from a passionate partnership into more of a roommate arrangement? If so, you’re not alone. Many couples find themselves drifting apart as careers advance, children demand attention, and daily duties grow. What was once a vibrant connection can morph into coexistence.

Marriage experts Joe and Tracy Castaneda have spent 20+ years helping couples navigate the challenging journey of marriage. Here, they share some of their own marital struggles and offer ways to help.

Understand reasons Why Marriages Drift apart

• • Unspoken expectations create silent disappointment.
  • Accumulated resentments build invisible walls.
  • Parenting demands leave little energy for partnership.
  • Career pressures steal time and mental bandwidth.
  • Technology distractions replace genuine connection.
  • Comfort and routine make intentionality optional.

The Roadmap Back to Connection

Once couples identify reasons why they may be drifting, Joe and Tracy offer paths back to passionate partnership.

1. Reclaim quality time together

Devote one non-negotiable evening each week exclusively to your relationship. These nights don’t require elaborate or expensive plans—it is more about protected time for connection. Start by putting your phones in another room during this time. Studies show that even having phones visible on the table reduces quality of conversation and emotional connection.

“We started with simple coffee dates where we would ask each other questions from conversation card decks,” shared one couple. “It felt awkward at first, but soon we were talking about dreams and feelings we hadn’t shared in years.”

2. Learn to express and understand each other’s needs

It can be hard to articulate needs to your spouse and even yourself. Instead of sharing vague generalities, make small, specific requests, such as, “Could you text me during lunch tomorrow? It helps me feel connected to you during the day.”

Joe and Tracy suggest that couples exchange three things that make them feel loved, valued, and desired—and commit to incorporating at least one item from their partner’s list each week.

“I discovered that Tracy needed verbal affirmation more than I realized,” recalls Joe. “Small compliments throughout the day made a massive difference in how connected she felt to me.”

3. Create balance in responsibilities

Festering resentment over uneven workloads can kill romance.

To identify partnership killers, itemize a household division of labor, listing what needs to be done for your home and family. Be honest about who handles each task, and equitably redistribute responsibilities.

“When Joe started handling morning routines with the kids, I finally had the mental and emotional space to feel like a woman again—not just a mom and household manager,” said Tracy.

4. Build a foundation of emotional safety

Vulnerability and emotional safety are essential for intimacy. Set aside peaceful times and places for deeper conversations. The bedroom, for example, should be a sanctuary for connection—not a battleground for conflict.

When your spouse shares their feelings, repeat back what you heard to confirm understanding.

Navigating Common Roadblocks

Timing makes or breaks connection

Be mindful of the right times and circumstances to initiate connection conversations. If your spouse is a morning person, save important talks for weekend mornings. If they are a night owl, wait until after dinner when they have had time to decompress.

Find lightness in heavy times

Humor can be the bridge back to connection. Create inside jokes about recurring relationship patterns. Laughing together at relationship quirks can build powerful bonds.

Measure progress on your journey

Identify, share, and celebrate progress in your relationship. Set calendar reminders for regular check-ins and ask: “What is one thing I have done recently that made you feel loved? What is one thing I can do better?” Signs of progress may include:

• • Thinking affectionately about your spouse during the day
  • Increased and more natural physical affection
  • Spontaneous sharing of thoughts and feelings
  • Faster conflict resolution with fewer lingering negative emotions
  • Feeling seen, valued, and understood more consistently

Helpful resources

• • The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman helps identify how you and your spouse naturally express and receive love.
  • This app also provides daily conversation prompts and relationship insights.
  • Marriage counseling or couples retreats provide structured environments for breakthrough conversations.

Marriage is a journey, not a destination

The move from roommates back to soulmates doesn’t happen overnight. It requires small, consistent choices—prioritizing connection over convenience and intimacy over efficiency.

“We had to rediscover each other,” said Tracy. “The people we are now are not the same ones who walked down the aisle. When we got curious about who we’d become, instead of clinging to who we used to be, everything changed.”

Remember, your marriage holds unlimited potential for deeper connection. The most important step on the journey is the next one.

✏️  AUTHOR CREDITS

This blog was written by the Mission Hills Church Women’s Ministry.